Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
