hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
