I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
