I wish I could teleport
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
