why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
