Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
