Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
