Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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