so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
