a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
