o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
