Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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