I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
