I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
