I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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