Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
