You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
