the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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