I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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