Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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