he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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