3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
