the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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