i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have fence marks all over my body
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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