the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
