The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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