On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
