u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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