Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
