I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
