My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
