chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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