Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
