I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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