I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
