apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
