hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Couch. On fire.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
