If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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