we have pet lesbian snakes
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
