i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
