I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
