**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
