I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
