opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
