I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
