I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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