so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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