Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
