last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
