I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
